Some where between 2003 and 2004, there was a growing concern amongst our core friend group (aka The Horde): We were making to many friends. At this time, we were spending entirely too much time at The Willow House (R.I.P.), and due to our over-abundance of charm and wit, we were gathering a constant clutch of hanger-ons. Now, not everyone who came and sat at our private table (private, meaning that if anyone else sat there, we would be upset and act out) was undeserving of our specialized version of friendship. Some became good, life-long, "friends." Others became pariahs. More than friends, a good object of scorn was always a source of group entertainment. However, this was a period of transition. A period of growth. A period of change. "Good" and "nice" "people" didn't keep people around just to treat them like amusing pieces human-garbage, and damn it, neither would we! So in order to make it more difficult for us to gather together a rabble of whipping boys and girls, we created this. Our groups application for friendship.
Okay. Not really. We made it because we were bored, we were mean, and we were clever.
Some of the facts have been lost to history: I can't confirm who physically wrote it (though I have suspicions), nor can I say who came up with which questions; after all, this was a group effort (again, I have suspicions). I also can't remember the reason for it being drafted on graph paper, though I'm inclined to believe it was a case of necessity over choice. With the exception of a comma, a colon, and the change to a more reasonable numbering system, I have attempted to preserve the document as it was originally written.
Now, for your reading pleasure, I present the long-lost "Application for Friendship."
(For question eighteen, imagine a small, perfectly drawn square as the box.)
APPLICATION FOR FRIENDSHIP
General Information:
Name:
Address:
Phone #:
D.O.B.:
Occupation:
Salary:
SSN:
Birth Location:
M/F:
1. What makes you a worthy friend?
2. What do you plan on bringing to the friendship?
3. Do you drive? Do you have a car? Will you drive us places? If not, why?
4. Do you often use work and school as excuses for not going out and having fun?
5. Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you drink and smoke? Do you do so to excess?
6. Are you highly religious?
7. "What you like?"
8. Are you willing to hang out with us on extremely short notice?
9. Are you willing time hang out with people you don't like?
10. Can you find ways to entertain yourself? Explain.
11. Can you find ways to entertain us? Explain.
12. Are you willing to give us the benefit of the doubt in any all situations?
13. Do you have any secrets you don't want to divulge? If so, what are they?
14. Are you willing to forsake all other friends for us?
15. Are you morally abject to any form of debauchery?
16. Are you crazy?
17. Do you consider yourself attractive? Explain.
18. Please draw your favorite shape in this box:
19. Would you steal for us?
20. How much money are you willing to spend on us on a daily basis?
21. Can we hurt you physically and/or mentally?
22. What does your mother look like?
a) slutty
b) really slutty
c) all the way slutty
23. What are your expectations of us? (If you expect nothing you will receive it in abundance.)
24. What are your living arrangements?
25. Is it cool if we "crash"?*
*By "crash" we mean get drunk, break stuff, have sex with your slurry mom, and pass out in you bed.
26. Are you in a relationship? If so, is it an open relationship?
27. Do you have any children? Do they have any valuable skills?
28. How much time are you willing to devote to "friendship"?
29. Do you feel this is a reasonable amount of time to devote to "friendship"? Explain.
30. Are you available for "friendship" at my place, say about nine o'clock tonight?
31. Again: "What you like?"
